1 00:00:14,339 --> 00:00:20,820 My pineapple form takes your ginger bishop, leaving your caramel king 2 00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:21,820 exposed. 3 00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:29,600 And my nicotine knight takes your coconut queen. 4 00:00:31,140 --> 00:00:33,360 You're not supposed to do that. 5 00:00:34,540 --> 00:00:35,800 Very well. 6 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:39,440 for that button. 7 00:00:42,820 --> 00:00:47,140 Here's to the Benny Hill Show and here is Benny Hill. 8 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:55,720 She thinks she is slim like a willow. She's just skinny and bony and tall. 9 00:00:56,100 --> 00:01:01,000 If she hadn't been blessed with two warts on her chest, she'd have no figure 10 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,280 all. She'd like to please all the men, but she's so terribly thin there is 11 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,000 hardly enough to go round. 12 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:12,720 Once she swallowed a whole pickled onion and 24 fellas left town. 13 00:01:13,060 --> 00:01:18,420 But oh, Zanduna, I'm longing to make you my own. 14 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:23,820 And then I will know, Zanduna, a happiness I never know. 15 00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:26,640 Her flashing dark eyes are so jealous. 16 00:01:27,180 --> 00:01:29,460 The left one keeps watching the right. 17 00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:34,360 And those teeth that I love are like the stars up above because they come out 18 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:35,360 every night. 19 00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:36,720 Oh, my God. 20 00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:38,130 one in a million. 21 00:01:38,670 --> 00:01:40,690 Often have you heard that, Ted? 22 00:01:41,070 --> 00:01:46,230 But she is not one in a million. She looks like she's one in a raffle 23 00:01:46,990 --> 00:01:49,310 I'm a nose and tuna. 24 00:01:49,890 --> 00:01:52,050 I'm longing to make you my own. 25 00:01:52,410 --> 00:01:54,890 And then I'm a nose and tuna. 26 00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:57,570 A happiness I've never known. 27 00:01:58,130 --> 00:02:03,150 An oil man from Texas once tried to impress the shy and the sensitive waist. 28 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:08,400 He said, I've so many gold teeth that I sleep every night with my head in a 29 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:13,420 safe. He said, there's 400 quid if you'll come with me, kid, to my flat. It 30 00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:14,420 most unexpected. 31 00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:19,480 But she didn't fret and she wasn't upset. She just kept cool and calm and 32 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:25,720 collected. But oh, Zanduna, I'm longing to make you my own. 33 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:31,180 And then I will know, Zanduna, a happiness I'll never know. 34 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:38,420 Tongue -tied, I sat with Zanduna while licking its paws was the cat. I 35 00:02:38,420 --> 00:02:42,400 stammered, Zanduna, I'd like to see you do that. 36 00:02:43,180 --> 00:02:49,600 Suddenly my Zanduna slapped my face and she left me because for the time I had 37 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,520 said what I wanted to say, the cat wasn't licking its paws. 38 00:02:53,900 --> 00:03:00,800 Oh, marry me, Zanduna, and we'll live in old Monterey. But don't leave it to me. 39 00:03:18,869 --> 00:03:24,330 This is the health farm where the seedy, the flabby, and the overweight come to 40 00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:28,730 be rejuvenated and to regain their trim, lithe figures of yesteryear. 41 00:03:29,650 --> 00:03:32,770 With me, the principal, Mr. Fred Scuttle. 42 00:03:37,130 --> 00:03:38,890 Not mine, sir. Dr. Scott. I beg your pardon. 43 00:03:39,170 --> 00:03:43,590 Now, you advertise in your brochures health courses at popular prices. Yes, 44 00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:44,690 Could you give us an example? 45 00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:45,809 Certainly, sir. 46 00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:51,730 Four weeks of health -giving exercises and nutritional diets. 47 00:03:52,330 --> 00:03:53,530 300 guineas, sir. 48 00:03:54,730 --> 00:03:57,450 300 guineas? Yes, sir. I'd hardly call that a popular price. 49 00:03:57,730 --> 00:03:58,730 I like it. 50 00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:05,740 300 guineas for four weeks of lemon juice and lettuce leaves? 51 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,280 That's only the diet, sir. 52 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,440 For meals, sir, for meals. 53 00:04:11,220 --> 00:04:12,220 Suet dumplings. 54 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:14,360 Yorkshire pudding. 55 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:16,579 Treacle and custard, sir. 56 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:20,220 Doesn't that make you put on weight? Only if you swallow it. 57 00:04:22,340 --> 00:04:26,020 But not everybody comes here to lose weight. Some come to put it on, sir. One 58 00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:29,280 fellow brought his little wife here, sir. Going to bed with her was becoming 59 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,700 hazard. The cat had her on the landing twice. 60 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,960 she was, sir? In her stocking feet? On her knees. 61 00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,780 She was so weak? No, the scales are under the sink. 62 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,680 Are the men and women segregated? 63 00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:49,080 The men are, sir. Some of the men are. 64 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,440 But not the women, sir, no. 65 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,060 They wouldn't allow that. 66 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,840 I mean, do they do mix... exercising? 67 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,940 They used not to, so they do now. We used to have, sort of, the ladies on one 68 00:05:02,940 --> 00:05:06,580 side of the garden, you see, and the gentlemen on the other, and a sort of a 69 00:05:06,580 --> 00:05:10,060 dirty grape privilege going down the centre, sir, but there was so much 70 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,060 about the bush. 71 00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:16,100 We let them, they get together, they argue, they do, we even have mixed sauna 72 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:19,500 baths. They can air their differences any time they like. 73 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,100 Tell me, Dr. Scuttle, what was your greatest challenge? 74 00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:27,760 I would say, without any shadow of a doubt, excuse me, 75 00:05:29,429 --> 00:05:31,010 Without any shadow of a doubt. 76 00:05:32,530 --> 00:05:33,530 Mrs. 77 00:05:34,350 --> 00:05:35,189 Hardcastle, sir. 78 00:05:35,190 --> 00:05:36,970 She was with us two and a half years. 79 00:05:37,390 --> 00:05:38,430 She was an obituary? 80 00:05:38,650 --> 00:05:39,650 Most of the time, yes. 81 00:05:42,590 --> 00:05:44,450 Twenty -seven stones, sir. 82 00:05:45,010 --> 00:05:48,990 I think she was sent on this earth to show how far the human skin could 83 00:05:48,990 --> 00:05:49,990 without bursting. 84 00:05:51,990 --> 00:05:54,550 She had to put a girdle on to get into a phone box. 85 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,910 And then it came to me, sir, in a flash. 86 00:05:58,230 --> 00:05:59,530 Riding, I said to myself, riding! 87 00:06:00,150 --> 00:06:01,150 And was she a horse lover? 88 00:06:01,350 --> 00:06:02,570 I never found out, sir. 89 00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:05,810 She didn't speak very often. How did she get on? 90 00:06:06,050 --> 00:06:07,130 We used a winch. 91 00:06:08,990 --> 00:06:12,430 We got her on there, then she was eight hours every day in the saddle, sir. 92 00:06:12,490 --> 00:06:13,710 Eight hours a day. Eight hours? 93 00:06:14,030 --> 00:06:15,030 Didn't that give her a headache? 94 00:06:15,190 --> 00:06:16,190 Quite the reverse, sir. 95 00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:19,350 It would give the horse a headache. 96 00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:24,180 Well, Dr. Scuttle, I believe you've prepared a film for us to see. That is 97 00:06:24,180 --> 00:06:25,920 right, sir, yes. Would you like to see it now, sir? 98 00:06:26,180 --> 00:06:29,780 Keep fit, class, sir. Oh, you'll enjoy this. It's very good. Because they're 99 00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:31,440 muscles. They're muscle lads, you know. They're very... 100 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:37,520 Today marks the anniversary of the death of Solomon St. John, the 18th century 101 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:43,600 poet. To mark the occasion, Felix Tantrum reads one of his poems, just as 102 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,740 written in 1770. 103 00:12:02,510 --> 00:12:04,470 He hath lofty part to fooven. 104 00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:10,890 But alas, fee is too grand. 105 00:12:11,850 --> 00:12:17,650 Fooven was strolling by the stream, listening as the church bells rang. 106 00:12:18,210 --> 00:12:22,790 They found it sad, but not as sad as the thong that 107 00:12:40,940 --> 00:12:42,100 Such a funny day. 108 00:12:43,140 --> 00:12:48,980 A foo took off her blouse and flip 109 00:12:48,980 --> 00:12:53,600 and corset so that she could have a swim. 110 00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:58,440 He's the fattler spied on her but foo could not see him. 111 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:06,560 Slowly foo took off her foo and fox and then she 112 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:07,620 was undressed. 113 00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:14,720 Sinful Sidney felt his heart beating in his His breath, the fun fun on the silky 114 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:21,540 softness of her golden hair, it cascaded past her folders 115 00:13:21,540 --> 00:13:24,500 and rested on her bosom there. 116 00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:31,440 His heart was filled with lust as foo faunted across the grass. 117 00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:37,560 He longed to stroke that tiny waist. 118 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,920 and that large, well -rounded car. 119 00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:52,520 As Foo fled into the water, Sid revealed himself to her. 120 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,520 He stood beside her clothing, determined not to stir. 121 00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:59,880 Fooven, who was slightly thocked, 122 00:14:20,650 --> 00:14:24,890 her feminine embarrassment strode up to Sidney's thigh. 123 00:14:25,670 --> 00:14:29,450 First he said, Do you know what I think, you silly clot? 124 00:14:29,930 --> 00:14:33,090 He said, You think that foxman hath a bottom? It hath not. 125 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:42,550 The scene was set for production when blacksmith Sam appeared. 126 00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:45,010 Oh, save me, Sam, said Fooven. 127 00:14:46,270 --> 00:14:48,450 Sam grabbed at Sidney's beard. 128 00:14:48,990 --> 00:14:53,370 They wrestled and they tuffled, and their muffled fun with sweat. 129 00:14:54,270 --> 00:14:59,830 Sid flipped and did a thumb -a -thot, dislocating his neck. 130 00:15:00,490 --> 00:15:07,170 As Sam held Foo in his strong arms, he felt her softly fly. 131 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:09,130 I'm your... 132 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:24,440 Until I die. 133 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,960 Now they're married and have 16 children. 134 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:35,320 And they've just purchased a new pram. As I said before, there's no one who can 135 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,360 ring the bell like fam. 136 00:15:53,730 --> 00:15:54,730 de barbette. 137 00:15:56,770 --> 00:15:58,030 Jambon trite. 138 00:15:58,670 --> 00:16:00,770 Ne touchez pas le pouc. 139 00:16:02,810 --> 00:16:06,310 These are just four of the films to come from the founder of the French avant 140 00:16:06,310 --> 00:16:09,610 -garde cinema, director Pierre Teterre. 141 00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:11,050 Bonsoir. 142 00:16:11,610 --> 00:16:14,790 Mes hommages. Thank you very much. 143 00:16:16,130 --> 00:16:19,970 For me, the best thing you've ever done, perhaps the most memorable thing I've 144 00:16:19,970 --> 00:16:24,170 ever seen in the cinema, it was that moment in Lavabo, on fuss. 145 00:16:25,290 --> 00:16:29,490 This 22 -year -old girl who for so long had lived in this fantasy world 146 00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:34,890 suddenly, through the death of her pet tortoise, has to face up to reality. 147 00:16:35,510 --> 00:16:39,710 Suddenly, you change from colour to black and white right until the end of 148 00:16:39,710 --> 00:16:42,570 film. A masterstroke showing stark reality. No, no, no. 149 00:16:42,910 --> 00:16:46,710 We change from colour to black and white because we run out of colour film. 150 00:16:48,510 --> 00:16:50,950 You see, we have no more colour film. 151 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,460 We have no money to buy other colour films, so we use the, well, you have 152 00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:55,800 stock, black and white, that's why. 153 00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:57,700 Yes. 154 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:05,079 But the, um... The urgency you implied in the story, so simply giving almost 155 00:17:05,079 --> 00:17:09,460 a documentary effect by using a handheld camera, it gave... No, no, no, no, no. 156 00:17:09,540 --> 00:17:13,160 We use handheld because we don't have the, you call it, tripod. 157 00:17:13,420 --> 00:17:15,200 The tripod to put on top. 158 00:17:15,579 --> 00:17:19,680 You see, the cameraman hit on the head the make -up man with the tripod and 159 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:20,680 break it. 160 00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:22,270 We break the tripod, not the head. 161 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,030 And we have no... So we hold in the hand. 162 00:17:26,089 --> 00:17:32,890 This girl who had this duende, this savoir -faire, so very nearly perfect, 163 00:17:32,890 --> 00:17:36,790 you gave her a lisp, showing even the most perfect of us. 164 00:17:37,030 --> 00:17:39,950 No, no, no. I don't give her a lisp. She have a lisp. 165 00:17:41,150 --> 00:17:44,790 The actress who plays the part has always the lisp. Always the lisp. 166 00:17:45,550 --> 00:17:49,210 You searched all over France for an actress with a lisp. 167 00:17:49,699 --> 00:17:54,380 No, I don't search for her. She was discovered, actually, by the producer, 168 00:17:54,380 --> 00:17:56,020 was living with her at the time. 169 00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:58,940 He says she is, so I put her in, you know. 170 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:03,880 I think the best part of the film, it was in the restaurant. 171 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:11,060 She looked up to him and said, I want a life in 172 00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:12,019 the grand manner. 173 00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:17,180 No, no, no, no. She says, I would like mussel soup. 174 00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:26,460 Very significant. 175 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:30,940 And then, at the end of the film, as she sits alone in the barren waste of the 176 00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:33,240 Camargue, that little dog ran up to her. 177 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,520 That said it all. 178 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:35,920 It's a dog's life. 179 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,620 How did you get him to do that? I don't get him to do it. I don't know who this 180 00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:40,620 dog is. 181 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:45,940 I mean, if I knew who this dog is, I'd kill him because the dog put the leg up 182 00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:46,980 on the camera, you know. 183 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:53,600 And all the working is very rusty, and like a jelly, you know, it's terrible. I 184 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,560 could kill you with it, the dog, you know. 185 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,340 Thank you, Pierre Duterte. 186 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:04,800 And now, we are going to show a clip from Lonely Boy, Duterte's film, which 187 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:09,400 illustrates so perfectly the modern, everyday youth confronted by the 188 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,660 sycophantic hedonist syndrome, which... Pardon, pardon, monsieur. Show the film. 189 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,020 No, no, no, just show the film. Oh, yes. 190 00:19:15,660 --> 00:19:16,660 Oh, no, no. 191 00:19:32,059 --> 00:19:33,340 Oh, Sandra. 192 00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:36,020 What they said he was. 193 00:19:36,820 --> 00:19:38,640 Time for our Spanish lesson now. 194 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,940 Spanish lesson with Conchita Paloma. Told you, didn't I? 195 00:19:43,340 --> 00:19:44,500 Buenas tardes, amigo. 196 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,560 Buenas tardes, senorita. Me llama... 197 00:19:48,430 --> 00:19:50,210 Que bonito nombre. 198 00:19:50,510 --> 00:19:52,010 Y como se llama usted? 199 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:57,210 Me llama Cheryl Goody. Ah, es muy bonito también. 200 00:19:57,670 --> 00:19:58,670 Gracias. 201 00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:00,210 De nada. 202 00:20:00,550 --> 00:20:01,550 It's okay. 203 00:20:01,890 --> 00:20:03,190 Just a minute, just a minute. 204 00:20:03,530 --> 00:20:07,030 Excuse me, por favor, senorita. Excuse me, excuse me. 205 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,410 Sorry, Sandra, sorry, Sandra. 206 00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:10,710 Oh, dear Jesus. 207 00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:11,970 Here we go. Do it, Donald. 208 00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:14,790 Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute, just a minute. 209 00:20:18,380 --> 00:20:19,319 Are you all right, Miss Fox? 210 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,620 Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Goody. It's all right, my dear. Come in. I just didn't 211 00:20:22,620 --> 00:20:25,460 who to turn to. I don't know anyone on the floor. It's all right, my dear. Come 212 00:20:25,460 --> 00:20:27,480 and sit down. It's all right. It's all right. 213 00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:31,000 I just couldn't stand it in my room anymore. I was so lonely. 214 00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:35,340 I know exactly how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. I just couldn't 215 00:20:35,340 --> 00:20:36,900 another night in that same room. 216 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,840 I know exactly. I know exactly, exactly. 217 00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:41,880 In that same bed. Exactly. 218 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,420 Nice drink. Do you good? Yeah, nice drink. 219 00:20:50,260 --> 00:20:51,840 Have a drink. I'll do you good. 220 00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:58,640 Oh, I... I quite like sherry. Oh, this is quite like sherry. 221 00:21:00,580 --> 00:21:02,860 I'll tell you... Miss Fox. 222 00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:04,100 Oh, Carol. 223 00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,580 Oh, that's nice. 224 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:07,960 You. 225 00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:11,280 Cyril. Oh, that's nice too. 226 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,740 I see. Has some man been upsetting you, has he? 227 00:21:22,010 --> 00:21:23,010 Cheryl, Cheryl. 228 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:06,900 It's the pipes. 229 00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:11,060 I mean, I don't know what he expects. 230 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,160 A lot of people find me attractive. 231 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:22,200 I find you attractive. I think you're smashing. I do. 232 00:22:22,730 --> 00:22:24,770 I think you belong on soft furnishings. 233 00:22:25,310 --> 00:22:28,150 You know something? The first time I saw you on soft furnishings, I got on 234 00:22:28,150 --> 00:22:29,210 hardware right away. 235 00:22:31,290 --> 00:22:33,330 Just so as I could be near you. 236 00:22:33,910 --> 00:22:37,870 And then when you went on the toilet counter, I went out of my way with the 237 00:22:37,870 --> 00:22:39,990 consignment notes just to pass by, just to see you. 238 00:22:40,250 --> 00:22:41,790 I mean, I think you're very pretty. 239 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:54,880 Every time you touch it, it makes a funny noise. 240 00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:00,840 I say, this young man of yours sounds to me like a thoroughly nasty piece of 241 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:01,840 work. 242 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,840 What do you bloody know about it? 243 00:23:05,580 --> 00:23:08,960 He's twice the man you are, I tell you that for nothing, you great fat puddin'. 244 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,620 I was only trying to help you, that's all. 245 00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:15,220 No, you're right. 246 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,340 You're right, it's not worth bothering about anyway. Of course it's not. Let's 247 00:23:18,340 --> 00:23:20,720 enjoy ourselves. Let's think about our faith. 248 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:24,539 a little kiss. 249 00:23:24,540 --> 00:23:27,180 Leave me for that rotten Mabel Tassler. Me! 250 00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:30,440 Me! Oh, I'm better looking than she is any day. 251 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:33,700 I bloody am. 252 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,500 I didn't say you wasn't. I didn't say you wasn't. I think you're ever so nice. 253 00:23:36,660 --> 00:23:37,419 Now, don't get upset. 254 00:23:37,420 --> 00:23:42,280 Don't get upset. I think a girl, actually, a girl with a face as pretty 255 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,820 girl with a face as pretty as yours, you know, shouldn't want for men at all. 256 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,400 Not at all. That's what I think. 257 00:24:42,629 --> 00:24:44,650 Who cares about what the world... 258 00:25:50,250 --> 00:25:53,810 And now we welcome to the Benny Hill Show... 259 00:26:11,470 --> 00:26:17,830 Yes, really changed in these past few days 260 00:26:17,830 --> 00:26:22,450 when I see myself, I see... 261 00:26:47,180 --> 00:26:48,180 Oh, man. 262 00:30:07,150 --> 00:30:11,770 But now I'd like to take you into the greenhouse to meet one of the gardeners. 263 00:30:16,870 --> 00:30:20,150 And I've managed to get hold of Amos Thrip. 264 00:30:20,630 --> 00:30:25,830 Now, Amos Thrip is the head gardener here at Landley Hall. He's also said by 265 00:30:25,830 --> 00:30:28,490 many to be a leading authority on the vegetable marrow. 266 00:30:28,730 --> 00:30:33,670 Hmm? He is also said by many to be a leading authority on the vegetable 267 00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:38,180 He's also said by many to be the leading authority on the vegetable matter. 268 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:40,180 Come, come, Perth, I wouldn't say that. 269 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:47,760 However, I do hope before the evening's over to show the viewers my three -foot 270 00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:48,760 -six wonder. 271 00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:54,100 But you did once raise one four -foot -six. 272 00:30:54,420 --> 00:30:55,780 I was younger then, Perth. 273 00:30:56,700 --> 00:30:59,120 And I wasn't married, you see, I had more time then, see. 274 00:31:00,060 --> 00:31:01,600 Of course you'd raise it in here. 275 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:03,580 Oh, I couldn't raise it outside, not this way. 276 00:31:04,940 --> 00:31:06,260 It's too bleak and cold. 277 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:10,500 Pardon? It's too bleak and cold. Too bleak and too cold. 278 00:31:10,940 --> 00:31:14,600 Bleak and cold out there, see? I should be frozen in a marish, shouldn't I? 279 00:31:16,060 --> 00:31:20,460 But according to those plants outside, the winter has no fears for you, Amos. 280 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:23,900 No birds, no bees. 281 00:31:24,580 --> 00:31:26,080 No flowers, no trees. 282 00:31:26,700 --> 00:31:28,120 No wonder, November. 283 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:36,160 at a witty West Country bandage. I give you some idea of the nonchalance with 284 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:38,000 which I regard the pattern of the Hortum. 285 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,640 The Hortum, that season of mists and mellow fruitiness. 286 00:31:42,700 --> 00:31:47,560 And once again, we ask that old question, what shall I do with my hardy 287 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:48,560 perennials? 288 00:31:49,660 --> 00:31:52,080 And once again, we get the same reply. 289 00:31:52,980 --> 00:31:54,800 Once again, we get the same reply. 290 00:31:55,820 --> 00:32:00,020 Just because winter draws on, that's no need to discard your summer bloomers 291 00:32:00,020 --> 00:32:01,020 entirely. 292 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:05,400 But do watch out, because if Jack Frost gets his hands on your geraniums, by 293 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:06,400 golly, you'll know about it. 294 00:32:08,780 --> 00:32:13,180 Even before you met her, I understand your wife was a keen horticulturist. 295 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:16,380 Well, first, what she'd done before she married me is her own concern. 296 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:24,000 All I know is that eight months, ten months after our union, it was blessed 297 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:28,120 in the nursery there for all to see. The results of our union was there in the 298 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:29,660 nursery. Boy or a girl? 299 00:32:30,020 --> 00:32:31,020 Rhododendron. 300 00:32:31,719 --> 00:32:34,860 It's variegated leaves. That's very rare, that. But I put plenty of manure 301 00:32:34,860 --> 00:32:37,500 it. You're all right if you've got plenty of manure. Bunk plenty of manure 302 00:32:37,500 --> 00:32:38,339 it, see? 303 00:32:38,340 --> 00:32:40,360 You should learn to call it fertiliser. 304 00:32:40,660 --> 00:32:42,680 It took me ten years to learn to call it manure. 305 00:32:44,220 --> 00:32:49,200 Do you get any pests in here? 306 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:50,239 Big fun first? 307 00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:52,240 Do you get any pests in here? Not till today, no. 308 00:32:53,980 --> 00:32:56,800 But how do you avoid the greenflies? 309 00:32:57,460 --> 00:32:59,380 I wish brown trousers at the root. 310 00:33:01,770 --> 00:33:06,390 No, that's just me larking about. No, actually, last summer I did get a touch 311 00:33:06,390 --> 00:33:07,490 the cucumber blight. 312 00:33:08,530 --> 00:33:10,730 They don't usually attack people, only cucumbers. 313 00:33:12,030 --> 00:33:15,090 So I went along to the doctor and he put some blue unction on it and it's all 314 00:33:15,090 --> 00:33:16,090 right now. 315 00:33:17,790 --> 00:33:21,690 But, you know, everyone is anxious now to hear about your prize -winning 316 00:33:21,690 --> 00:33:25,950 exhibit. My prize -winning exhibit's first? Well, last year, my red currant 317 00:33:25,950 --> 00:33:27,850 coming first in the tomato section. 318 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:36,040 entered my King Edwards, you know. Well, you're only allowed to enter £14 each. 319 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:37,540 I didn't want to cut one in half. 320 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:42,760 So then there's my pride and joy, my high bride rose. 321 00:33:43,900 --> 00:33:44,659 My what? 322 00:33:44,660 --> 00:33:48,580 A fine specimen, have you named it? Yes, I have. I call it first the Raquel 323 00:33:48,580 --> 00:33:49,580 Welsh. 324 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,960 Oh, a lovely name after a lovely lady. 325 00:33:53,300 --> 00:33:54,980 She can have the top off my egg any time. 326 00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:58,280 Is it best in the bed? 327 00:33:58,820 --> 00:34:00,420 Well, it's quite nice in the bed. 328 00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:03,170 Some people prefer it up against the wall. 329 00:34:09,570 --> 00:34:13,810 Or there are those, you know, who prefer it in and out the trellis work, you 330 00:34:13,810 --> 00:34:14,810 know. 331 00:34:14,870 --> 00:34:17,670 That's accordingly, as long as you get plenty of sun on it, you're all right. 332 00:34:17,750 --> 00:34:19,230 Get the sun on it, that's the main thing. 333 00:34:19,810 --> 00:34:22,870 Well, I must say, it's an exceptionally fine specimen. 334 00:34:23,070 --> 00:34:24,929 It is, hasn't it? How do you get it to bloom as early as that? 335 00:34:25,210 --> 00:34:27,170 With my... Thrips wonder! 336 00:34:27,929 --> 00:34:28,929 Never fails. 337 00:34:29,250 --> 00:34:33,429 Pour a little of this on there, and you'll find... I'll come up there and 338 00:34:33,429 --> 00:34:34,429 you. 339 00:34:36,170 --> 00:34:39,350 Perhaps the booers would care to see my cucumbers. 340 00:34:39,610 --> 00:34:40,328 They're not cucumbers. 341 00:34:40,330 --> 00:34:45,690 They're two of the... They're the nicest... Well, I hope you'll join me 342 00:34:45,690 --> 00:34:47,670 next week. I had a dandelion named after her. 343 00:34:48,350 --> 00:34:53,750 When I shall again be... I had a red -hot poker named after me. Until then, 344 00:34:53,750 --> 00:34:54,750 night. 345 00:35:39,370 --> 00:35:40,370 racking on feats of strength. 346 00:35:40,830 --> 00:35:43,330 Give me a little beauty queen to help me out. Here she is now. 347 00:35:44,130 --> 00:35:46,810 Oh, yes, you pretty little thing. Pretty little thing. 348 00:35:47,350 --> 00:35:49,750 You notice she has to have a chaperone, folks. 349 00:35:50,010 --> 00:35:52,050 That's on account I'm such a wolf. 350 00:35:53,310 --> 00:35:54,710 Thank you, Miss Chaperone. 351 00:35:54,990 --> 00:35:55,990 Well, round about now. 352 00:35:57,270 --> 00:36:00,270 When I'm here, I'm going to shock you and get mud. 353 00:36:02,710 --> 00:36:03,990 Are you the beauty queen? 354 00:36:04,390 --> 00:36:05,510 Yes, it's me. 355 00:36:07,470 --> 00:36:09,430 I can't, sir, John. John, I can't lift her. 356 00:36:10,070 --> 00:36:11,490 Well, you know, that might trouble. 357 00:36:12,630 --> 00:36:14,010 We might have to ask her. 358 00:36:14,250 --> 00:36:16,230 I mean, that wouldn't make up for three weeks. 359 00:36:17,250 --> 00:36:20,410 Why wasn't I invited to Susan's party? 360 00:36:21,170 --> 00:36:23,330 Perhaps they thought you wouldn't enjoy it, darling. 361 00:36:23,750 --> 00:36:27,290 We'll be playing postman's knock and having jelly and custard. 362 00:36:27,730 --> 00:36:30,590 But will they be having hill spaghetti? 363 00:36:31,130 --> 00:36:32,870 We'll have our own little party, love. 364 00:36:33,090 --> 00:36:34,770 And we'll do you and I and us. 365 00:36:39,890 --> 00:36:41,510 What's that in the road? 366 00:36:41,770 --> 00:36:42,770 A head? 367 00:36:43,050 --> 00:36:44,050 Hold it. 368 00:36:45,450 --> 00:36:47,950 I'm sorry, hold, hold it a second. No, dear, no. 369 00:36:48,390 --> 00:36:49,850 What's that in the road a head? 370 00:36:50,530 --> 00:36:51,770 Not what's that in the road a head. 371 00:36:52,370 --> 00:36:54,450 It's only a bicycle. 372 00:36:55,210 --> 00:36:56,810 Open the gate, she'll be up in a minute. 373 00:36:57,030 --> 00:36:58,070 Oh, go in the garage. 374 00:36:58,950 --> 00:37:02,510 Right about now, Miss Jenny's going to show you an exhibition of female 375 00:37:02,510 --> 00:37:04,410 sharpshooting. How about that, huh? 376 00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:08,080 Miss Jenny. 377 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:22,120 I'm sorry, John. Could somebody do something about that pen? 378 00:37:23,780 --> 00:37:24,780 Ooh, 379 00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:29,740 what's this thing called, love? 380 00:37:48,650 --> 00:37:55,330 Whip it right... The old pipe, um, out there, and whip it right out. 381 00:37:55,750 --> 00:37:56,750 Stand by, baby. 382 00:37:57,350 --> 00:38:01,270 You don't have to be crazy in this daredevil act, but by golly, it sure do 383 00:38:03,870 --> 00:38:06,330 What the bloody hell are you doing? 384 00:38:08,030 --> 00:38:09,350 She shouldn't have been there. 385 00:38:09,650 --> 00:38:11,230 How's that boyfriend of yours, dear? 386 00:38:11,650 --> 00:38:12,650 He's all right, Mum. 387 00:38:13,930 --> 00:38:14,930 You all right, love? 388 00:38:15,330 --> 00:38:16,970 Yes, of course I'm all right, Mum. 389 00:38:17,580 --> 00:38:20,000 Bring them back with Benvril. 390 00:38:21,140 --> 00:38:22,920 He's got big ears anyway. 391 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:26,040 Don't you worry about it. You just drink up your Benvril. 392 00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,460 Hold it! 393 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:35,160 I told you. We should have booked that, didn't we? 394 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,080 I didn't mean to reply. 395 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:38,880 I didn't mean to reply like this before. 396 00:38:39,380 --> 00:38:42,940 Now, folks, round about here, young Miss Jenny, she's going to give you an 397 00:38:42,940 --> 00:38:45,060 exhibition of that. Oh, daredevil! 398 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:56,280 Just a minute, sir. 399 00:39:56,340 --> 00:39:57,480 Will you open it, please? 400 00:39:57,720 --> 00:39:58,558 I'm so sorry. 401 00:39:58,560 --> 00:39:59,760 Nice, broad radio. 402 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:01,580 With big blisters. 403 00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:05,740 Porto -embrication? 404 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:08,240 Pardon? Porto -embrication? 405 00:40:08,540 --> 00:40:13,840 No, no, however. Have a nice wine, have a shaving erosion, no half -porto 406 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:15,320 -embrication. No, however. 407 00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,880 You've just arrived, sir? I got a fright. 408 00:40:19,380 --> 00:40:21,820 How did you get a fright? With a fright ticket. 409 00:40:25,610 --> 00:40:26,610 A flight? 410 00:40:26,630 --> 00:40:27,630 Yes. 411 00:40:28,010 --> 00:40:29,210 It was a miracle. 412 00:40:30,170 --> 00:40:31,350 What was a miracle? 413 00:40:31,650 --> 00:40:33,290 We take off. It was a miracle. 414 00:40:33,770 --> 00:40:34,990 You took off from a miracle? 415 00:40:35,370 --> 00:40:36,910 The United States have a miracle. 416 00:40:38,770 --> 00:40:39,830 America. Yes. 417 00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:42,230 Bloody trick. 418 00:40:43,930 --> 00:40:46,350 Are you staying here, sir, or going on overseas? 419 00:40:46,710 --> 00:40:47,730 I have a right. 420 00:40:47,950 --> 00:40:51,070 Yes, you have a right to go on overseas, but I have a right to ask where. 421 00:40:51,530 --> 00:40:52,550 I have a right. 422 00:40:53,670 --> 00:40:57,190 You have a right? No, you have a right. I have a right. 423 00:40:57,830 --> 00:40:59,830 Oh, I love white. Yeah. 424 00:41:02,110 --> 00:41:03,130 Stupid idiot. 425 00:41:05,910 --> 00:41:08,910 I'd hardly call that overseas. You try walking now. 426 00:41:15,250 --> 00:41:16,770 Can you see this? 427 00:41:17,050 --> 00:41:18,050 Yes. 428 00:41:18,290 --> 00:41:19,570 Can you read it? No. 429 00:41:21,970 --> 00:41:22,970 Why not? 430 00:41:23,050 --> 00:41:24,050 Wrong way up. 431 00:41:25,510 --> 00:41:30,990 You're Chinese. 432 00:41:31,830 --> 00:41:32,830 Oh, brother. 433 00:41:37,290 --> 00:41:43,410 Mother of mine! 434 00:41:46,990 --> 00:41:50,150 Did you understand it? Did you understand me? 435 00:41:51,820 --> 00:41:52,820 Hardly the point. 436 00:41:53,240 --> 00:41:55,560 Is this all you have? Yes, sure. 437 00:41:56,020 --> 00:41:59,240 Also, I have here something to show you. 438 00:41:59,580 --> 00:42:00,580 That egg. 439 00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:02,400 One hundred year old egg. 440 00:42:02,620 --> 00:42:05,440 One hundred year old. One hundred year. 441 00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:07,480 You don't seem to have much. 442 00:42:07,780 --> 00:42:09,180 No, I have my beliefs. 443 00:42:09,620 --> 00:42:13,340 Your beliefs? Ah, yes. Butter. No, no butter, no sugar, no tea, no. 444 00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:17,000 Just have my beliefs. Always have my beliefs. 445 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:23,420 I'm sorry to leave it in such disarray. Oh, disarray, that array. Who cares? 446 00:42:24,180 --> 00:42:26,300 How did you owe that, Ed? Oh, dear. 447 00:42:27,140 --> 00:42:28,140 And you. 448 00:42:28,900 --> 00:42:29,900 Hey, 449 00:42:31,380 --> 00:42:32,380 immigration. 450 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:34,840 I'll be ready with a very soon moment. 451 00:42:37,740 --> 00:42:39,900 Hey, you've been out in the sun, cookie boy. 452 00:42:40,260 --> 00:42:43,780 No, you have been telling my colleague that you are going to the Isle of Wight. 453 00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:45,160 For what purpose? 454 00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:46,400 Bleeding cows. 455 00:42:48,620 --> 00:42:51,680 That is where. I wish to know why. That is, that is why. 456 00:42:52,020 --> 00:42:53,620 I'm going there bleeding cows. 457 00:42:54,540 --> 00:42:55,800 I bleed cow. 458 00:42:56,140 --> 00:42:57,140 Rook. 459 00:42:57,720 --> 00:42:58,720 Rook. 460 00:42:59,960 --> 00:43:03,440 I can't go to Liggett. 461 00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,160 I can't go to Lill. 462 00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:08,080 Lill. Liggett, Harrogate. 463 00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:11,060 Liggett and Harrogate. Why you look paint everything? 464 00:43:18,250 --> 00:43:21,250 He's angrier. Oh, why is he angrier? 465 00:43:21,470 --> 00:43:23,470 Because he live in East Anglia. 466 00:43:24,650 --> 00:43:28,350 Oh, East Anglia. Oh, yes. 467 00:43:32,010 --> 00:43:33,330 It's which town? 468 00:43:33,610 --> 00:43:35,170 Yes. Yes, what? 469 00:43:48,490 --> 00:43:53,590 I go, you see, my work, you see, my work, I have to find a farm that's 470 00:43:54,150 --> 00:43:56,190 Oh, your work is pharmaceutical, yes. 471 00:43:56,430 --> 00:43:58,790 No, a farm that's suitable. Why you don't listen? 472 00:43:59,150 --> 00:44:00,550 You no got crop ears. 473 00:44:02,450 --> 00:44:04,330 Ross, you rug hoes out. 474 00:44:05,150 --> 00:44:06,910 Look, I get to a farm. 475 00:44:07,330 --> 00:44:13,190 I take the bull to the cow so that the bull can make rug to the cow. 476 00:44:13,790 --> 00:44:17,550 Oh, but surely that is a job for the farmer. It has to be a bull. 477 00:44:26,410 --> 00:44:27,410 a mummy. 478 00:44:27,590 --> 00:44:28,650 So I wait. 479 00:44:29,990 --> 00:44:30,990 I wait. 480 00:44:31,010 --> 00:44:32,010 Forever? 481 00:44:33,550 --> 00:44:36,170 No, forever. Only for a few months. 482 00:44:37,090 --> 00:44:41,850 And then, a little tiny baby boy, and another little baby boy, and another 483 00:44:41,850 --> 00:44:45,770 little baby boy, and all the little baby boys, all grow up. 484 00:44:46,050 --> 00:44:49,930 And then when they have all their... Then I charter a ship. 485 00:44:50,210 --> 00:44:53,750 Oh, you charter a ship? That's what I said. Why, you know, listen. 486 00:44:57,040 --> 00:45:03,720 Right. And then when I got a chip, when I got all that, I sent to Hong Kong 487 00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:06,620 a lot of bull. 488 00:45:08,380 --> 00:45:10,280 No, you don't. Oh, yes, I do. 489 00:45:10,620 --> 00:45:11,960 No, it's a load of bull. 490 00:46:22,670 --> 00:46:23,930 Good night, my friends. 491 00:46:24,630 --> 00:46:26,150 Time to call it a day. 492 00:46:27,110 --> 00:46:29,210 Time to blow out the candle. 493 00:46:29,570 --> 00:46:32,010 Or as my friend Shirley Bassey would say, 494 00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:01,240 She sounds like Dorothy Squires. 495 00:47:02,240 --> 00:47:06,060 I did it my way. 496 00:47:15,580 --> 00:47:19,240 Moses said to Isaiah, life isn't all milk and all honey. 497 00:47:19,720 --> 00:47:21,260 He said, Isaiah, come forth. 498 00:47:21,580 --> 00:47:22,920 And Isaiah came fifth. 499 00:47:23,140 --> 00:47:24,900 And they went and they cut off his money. 500 00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:27,180 It's all Greek to me, you know. 501 00:47:28,620 --> 00:47:29,598 Hello, everyone. 502 00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:33,520 Here is a little song about a girl who is going to see her lover by the 503 00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:34,520 eucalyptus tree. 504 00:47:34,680 --> 00:47:36,660 And as she walks there, she sees a boy. 505 00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:41,060 And he says, your lips are like red wine, and I should like to sip them. 506 00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:45,060 And she says, you cannot, because I'm going to meet my lover by the eucalyptus 507 00:47:45,060 --> 00:47:49,540 tree. And a little further on, she meets another boy. And he says, your eyes are 508 00:47:49,540 --> 00:47:54,300 like pools of clear crystal water. I should like to bathe in them. And she 509 00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:57,320 you cannot, because I'm going to see my lover by the eucalyptus tree. 510 00:47:57,790 --> 00:48:01,170 And a little further on, she meets another boy. And he says, your hair is 511 00:48:01,170 --> 00:48:02,690 corn waving in the breeze. 512 00:48:03,010 --> 00:48:05,170 I should like to run barefoot through it. 513 00:48:05,470 --> 00:48:08,970 And she says, you cannot, because I'm going to see my lover by the eucalyptus 514 00:48:08,970 --> 00:48:13,050 tree. And she gets to the eucalyptus tree, and her lover doesn't come. 515 00:48:14,330 --> 00:48:15,330 Exacto. 516 00:48:15,530 --> 00:48:16,630 I exacto. 517 00:48:17,130 --> 00:48:20,290 I'm an exo. Mini, mini, I bet you exacto. 518 00:48:21,670 --> 00:48:23,090 Now, here is a little song. 519 00:48:26,890 --> 00:48:28,050 January the 3rd. 520 00:48:28,290 --> 00:48:31,510 January the 2nd. January the 3rd. 521 00:48:32,270 --> 00:48:34,490 January... You'd rather have Moira who? 522 00:48:35,030 --> 00:48:36,310 Sure, Dovebody. 523 00:48:36,510 --> 00:48:42,430 Meet Dovebody. Coming through the door. If you dare to touch my body, I will 524 00:48:42,430 --> 00:48:43,430 black your eye. 525 00:48:43,710 --> 00:48:45,910 How are you back to Bonnie, Scotland? 526 00:48:46,230 --> 00:48:52,990 Sit my horlicks. Listen to the Beverly Sisters on the 527 00:48:52,990 --> 00:48:53,990 radio.